Scrambled Thoughts – For real!

I have always been one to work. I like being busy and reaching targets at work. I have been doing this for the past eight (8) years, and then, one day, I felt the world cracking- slowly but surely.

Eight years after graduation felt like a whirwind. So many things had taken place, and I sit here on my office desk at the farm — supposedly creating SOPs. But well, here I am, pausing. Life really does come in seasons: There is a time to work hard, and a time to settle down. And most of my friends are doing just that. I am in a season wherein no matter how hard I try to run my way to my goals or through work, I find myself constantly defeated, as if God were trying to tell me – REST.

But I can’t rest, can I? I have long accepted the fact that working with the family business meant that I work round the clock. I work long hours, trying to fix every single detail and please everybody through establishing proper systems. And guess what — it still isn’t fixed.

Last year, my father gave me another post in the main office: overseeing and implementing operations. Honestly, I didn’t know much of what that meant. I only understood that I was going to be fixing things again. From housekeeping to whatever, I’m your girl. That’s the same thing I did when we were establishing the farm — housekeeping, to management, to audit, to biosecurity. And in retrospect, although I did learn a lot, it was the season for that.

I started feeling things cracking last year:

1. We shut down the boar station. It wasn’t making any more money. A genetic company offered to manage the site. Still the works – let’s see.
2. During the last year of the boar station, I felt like I was the only holding things together:
   • My best manager resigned
   • The second best also resigned due to performance issues reported by a Technical Officer. Valid, but I think it could have been dealt with better
   • The last technical officer fought with me – he wanted to get married, and honestly I had no problem with that. I just told him to let us know his plans beforehand, not last-minute- because it causes operational disruption.
   • Two of the technical girls wanted to resign for different reasons, then they ended up revoking it. Very tiring.
   • I begged my father that we close the boar station. I cried every night.
3. I thought this year would be different. But now we’re nearing October and it just feels like things aren’t changing anytime soon! Sorry to be negative- this is a scrambledthoughts blog, after all.
   • I lack a competent team this year.
   • We got rid of all the thieves in the farm
   • My father and I argued a lot more. He thinks I’m bypassing him- I only wanted to place guardrails because people take advantage of his speed.
   • I offered to resign. He declined.
4. I feel left alone in my job – both at the farm and in operations. Despite the big implementations, I still feel so useless. Am I really?
5. It’s a different world working with farm people. With all due respect, sometimes the educational system here in the rural areas really does fail. It’s like they were not taught to think. I end up going crazy most days.

I said this was a quarter life crisis, but I’m past 25. I just hit 30 this year, and it was one baptism of fire haha.

Well, here’s to intentionally trying to live a joyful life in spite of what’s been going on. Specifically, I have these lined up:

1. I got an email from a Spanish institution where I study – they’re offering a creative writing workshop, so I enrolled. It starts this Friday. Here’s to spending time with different people outside of the farm hooray.
2. A friend set me up on a date this Saturday. Whether it goes well or not, at least I gave it a shot!
3. I am stepping back from creating new projects. All I want is to finish what I started this year.

Aside from all the negativity that I had begun my blog with, I also would like to impart what I think the Lord is teaching me in this season:

1. Slow does not always equate to unproductivity

I have always held onto the concept that being fast is the standard. My father always acted fast. He is a doer. And I tried to follow that.

This year, I have realized that guardrails, although slightly delays, upholds security, saves both money and time, and preserves relationships. The more I try to hurry things up, the more I feel futile. It is a lesson this year that slowness does not always equate to unproductivity. In retrospect, I think I often confused speed with results; which, sometimes, does not equate to it.

2. It is the Lord who gives, and He also takes away

There were many times this year (and the last) wherein I cried because I could see people stealing, doing things in bad faith- and I was not listened to. In fact, I was the one who looked crazy. The Lord directed me to Psalms 37, and although I was still not consoled, I held onto it. God works swiftly sometimes. He removed the thieves in a matter of weeks apart. He also removed three (3) people,

3. Rest in the LORD

In this day and age, it sounds so counterintuitive. But, God’s Word is true. I have learned to take my time sweetly, to offer my hopes, dreams, heartaches to the Lord. The giants I face today pale in comparison to the God who is before and above all things.

Well, hope this was a happy read for you (even if it started glum; and even if it isn’t a quarter life crisis. Ha!)

My next blog will be about my Spanish writing skills. Like I said, scrambled thoughts.